


Richie Tozier: Confessional

by klutzyelf



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Canon Compliant, Comedian Richie Tozier, Fix-It, Gen, Post-Canon, Richie Tozier Needs a Hug, Richie Tozier Spills His Guts to a Live Studio Audience, Richie Tozier is a Mess, but not in spirit, re: richie's comedy, technically, written like a stand up routine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 23:40:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20750684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klutzyelf/pseuds/klutzyelf
Summary: A transcript of comedian Richie Tozier's surprisingly heartfelt performance of his showConfessionalafter an unexplained two-week leave of absence from his tour.





	Richie Tozier: Confessional

**Author's Note:**

> i dont know if Richie's tour actually had a name but i've only seen the movie once at this point so we're gonna ignore it if it does!

[Richie Tozier is standing on an empty stage with a wireless microphone in his hands. He is in the middle of performing one of the penultimate jokes from his show _Confessional_, billed as a raunchy performance where Tozier runs through a series of anecdotes on the wild and crazy things he’d gotten up to with past girlfriends. Even though his shirt is unwrinkled, and someone had fixed his hair before he had come on stage, Tozier is clearly looking a little worse for wear. There are the impressions of shadows under his eyes, and even though he seems aware that this show is being filmed, his delivery is lackluster and unenthusiastic.]

RICHIE: [Tozier finally appears to really take in the crowd in front of him, and he seems to perk up a bit.] So, elephant in the room guys, there’s, a lot more people than I was expecting all things considered.

[The audience laughs.]

RICHIE: I’m glad you all could make it tonight, though – that’s a thing hosts say, right? I mean, c’mon I’m a very “let’s get down to business” kind of comedian, right? I think we all know this by now. We don’t waste time here. I save the foreplay for the bedroom baby, but there’s no room for funny business in my job!

[There’s more laughter.]

RICHIE: God, how did I even start this show again? I think I started it with a ‘girlfriend/masturbation’ joke or something but, uh, we’re gonna shake things up some, I think. I don’t think we’re gonna check back in with Masturbator’s Anonymous tonight.

[There’s a moment of silence, that goes on a beat too long to feel scripted. In fact, the whole audience seems caught off guard by Tozier’s announcement; one or two people cheer for the girlfriend joke, but it is an otherwise dead crowd. Tozier takes a deep breath.]

RICHIE: “My girlfriend caught me masturbating to her friend’s Facebook page” yeah, yeah – it’s a good joke; they’re all pretty good, I guess. Sound exactly like the ones I used to tell in middle school except the punchline of those always ended in “your mom”. 

[This gets a small chuckle from the audience, but they are still clearly unsure of where Tozier is going with all this.]

RICHIE: I uh- I went to middle school in the 80’s, which, let’s be real, was probably the worst time to have done _that_. Like I get that middle school is the worst for everybody, but like I had some real over-the-top 80’s bullies out for my ass – you know the ones - they always looked like they were looking to throw some loser into a dumpster. And y’know this was when teachers were just as likely to laugh _with_ assholes because tough-love and some shit? Anyone remember that lie? That getting the shit kicked out of you was supposed to build character?

[A few audience members whoop, some clap. Clearly there are a few people here who were on the receiving end of that one.]

RICHIE: [He’s chuckling at the audience response.] Yeah, there wasn’t an adult alive who cared about some underweight, snot-nosed brat that couldn’t play football because he had bifocals in seventh grade. [Tozier shuffles the microphone in his hand so he can shove his current pair of glasses up his nose.] I swear to god there used to be this kid, fucking stereotypical mullet, muscle-shirt the whole nine yards. One summer he and his gang were chasing my friends and I and…like… I shit you not we all just started _chucking_ _rocks_ at each other, full-on fist-sized hunks of limestone, like we were in some cartoon where there’s no such thing as consequences. I’m sure at the time we were genuinely trying to kill one another too, like I know I’m what you’d generally consider a piece of work, but this kid was _a piece of work —_ harassing kids that were like two years, and two-hundred pounds lighter…

Man's Voice: Did you win!?

RICHIE: [He laughs, nodding at him.] _Barely_! And really that should _probably_ tell you all you need to know about my [His tone turns mocking.] “_burgeoning adolescent experience_” … I’ve made jokes in the past about being a suave ladies’ man since birth, but fellas I wore graphic t-shirts and had coke-bottle glasses and was basically one breakout away from being your classic basement dwelling mouth-breather. My palms were sweaty all the time, my mouth was too big for my face, and I was overcompensating big time about everything, because I was a _huge fucking Los-er_! The only thing I was masturbating to were my mom’s Macy’s catalogues. 

[The audience has finally started to warm up to the new material even though this was clearly not what they were expecting form the infamous Richie Tozier.]

RICHIE: And, um, it was this…truly _unique_ life experience that led me to comedy. [Tozier is no longer looking directly at the audience and has instead begun pacing the length of the stage. One of his hands is moving and gesturing as if he has some restless energy.] Back then, I was determined to be The Most Annoying son-of-a-bitch in the history of my shitty hometown, and if you were to ask my friends I _definitely_ succeeded. [He groans.] I used to do fucking accents okay, like I thought that was the pinnacle of comedy genius. You should all count yourselves lucky that my manager decided I should stick with dick jokes, because I was rock hard for accents when I was thirteen man, just _pitching_ _tentpoles_ any time I got to bust out a good one like [Suddenly Tozier turns to face the audience, gripping his belt buckle, and he continues in a terrible facsimile of a southern accent.] _my dick was just waitin’ for an excuse to say “howdy y’all”_!

[There is laughter scattered throughout the theater that becomes stronger when Tozier gropes his crotch for a few moments. He winces and chuckles along with the audience.]

RICHIE: Yeah, to be honest with you all I’m not getting hard for much nowadays _uhm_-

[He’s cut off by some surprised hearty laughter from different portions of the auditorium. Tozier smiles at someone in the first row and reaches out a hand as though trying to reassure this one audience member.]

RICHIE: Don’t worry dude I’m talking to a doctor he’s told me it’s totally normal by my age – nothing Viagra can’t fix if you know what I’m sayin’? [He winks.] Honestly, it’s a bit of a relief I was starting to get really fucking chapped around the tip- [Tozier abruptly turns to the rest of the audience, speaking over their laughter, hand still stretched out.] and if the rest of you haven’t figured out that this isn’t my normal routine, now’s the time to hop on board because we’re ending on a different type of confessional tonight – some real old-school Catholic shit.

RICHIE: So, the real reason why I’m not doing the-the scripted – I guess – routine, is because… [Tozier pauses, looking down at his feet.] Well, I guess-huh, [even he appears surprised] I guess I finally feel like a grown-ass adult. Anyone here have that happen to them?

[There are a few “yeah’s”, even with all the spotlights on Tozier you can still tell that there are heads shaking, and nodding.]

RICHIE: Like, I’m forty-fucking-years-old, and for the first time in my _life_ I feel it. And I mean, like, the first time I filed my _taxes_ I felt grown up. Y’know like big dick McBalls in the locker room who knows he’s better than everybody? _That_ kind of unearned confidence.

[Laughter.]

RICHIE: But _now _I feel like I’ve got _wisdom_ or something? Like I can finally be comfortable in total silence; I don’t have to talk to air to keep myself from actually thinking about shit. If somebody emailed me right now I wouldn’t even stress about it.

[A few members of the audience “ooh.”]

RICHIE: _I know right?_ For all that the past week has really thrown me some curveballs, I actually feel pretty fucking secure. Which could also be a sign of insanity; I did bomb one of the biggest shows of my career like a week and a half ago by having a _very_ public mental breakdown on stage. [Tozier pauses again.] And if we’re gonna fucking talk about that I’m gonna get uncomfortably intimate with you all here.

[Tozier abruptly walks off stage for a minute. The wireless microphone picks up some scuffling noises, and a what seems like aborted bits of an argument that Tozier is having with someone backstage. The comedian reemerges just as the break is beginning to get uncomfortably long with a throw pillow, of all things, which he tosses onto the forward center of the stage.]

RICHIE: [Tozier sprawls out on the pillow he’s tossed down.] Yeah, I think I do physical bits now.

[The audience chuckles.]

RICHIE: So! A week ago, I got a call from an old childhood friend like _two_ minutes before I was set to go on stage, and instead of doing or being, like, a Normal Person about the whole thing – like “hey man it’s been a while how’s it hanging” y’know? Instead of doing _that_ I went outside and fucking ralphed at the sound of my friend’s voice. 

[There’s a lot of groaning and one distinct voice saying “aw gross, man” at this pronouncement.]

RICHIE: It was all _very_ nostalgic. Now I hadn’t heard from this motherfucker for _twenty-seven years_. [Tozier pauses.] That’s a long-ass time to go without seeing somebody, but it’s an even longer-ass time to go without even _thinking_ about one of your _best friends_ from middle school. Y’know, one of those people you almost got killed with by a gang of acne-skinned mullets throwing rocks? It’s a long time to forget friends you were close enough to have a club name with. And it occurred to me sometime over the past week, that I had forgotten – or, more accurately, had repressed – a _significant_ portion of my formative years, because I was _terrified_ of them. 

[The theater has gone gravely quiet, as though holding their breath.]

RICHIE: And it’s a bizarre thing, it really is, to be so scared of what made you the way you are that you just forget about all of it the second you get the chance to. It makes, you go through the next _twenty-seven_ years of your life terrified of pretty much everything about yourself. You become a comedian because you’ve always wanted to, sure, but you let other people write your own material because you’re terrified of basically every other aspect of comedy. And then, all of a sudden, you’re _twenty-fucking-seven_ years down the line and you’ve become known for being some raunchy, womanizing, frat-boy kind of comedian.

[He swallows before continuing.]

RICHIE: Now, I’m not saying that all of that is inaccurate. My friends growing up – y’know the one’s I forgot about for twenty-seven years? – they used to call me “Trashmouth” so like, raunchy hasn’t changed that’s still pretty accurate. But…I’m forty you guys, and not even like just turned forty I’m well-into forty. That’s not _old_, but it’s certainly not _young_. And also, like I didn’t even go to college, (cause-like-back-then-it-wasn’t-necessarily-a-requirement-for-employment), so I’m certainly not a frat-boy. And finally, it’s like, what? Two-thousand-and-sixteen? And I’m cracking jokes about disrespecting my imaginary girlfriend – who is very much imaginary because I haven’t actually been in a relationship for like _minimum_ five years at this point? That’s sad, right? It's gotta be.

[Tozier pauses again, and in a more scripted performance this would be a place where the audience has been prompted to answer the comedian’s question. The theater is silent.]

RICHIE: Like, it’s funny too. I can see how that man’s life is really fucking _ridiculously_ funny in a schadenfreude-type “I’m glad it’s him not me” way. Except, it _is_ me. Like _that’s my life_. That’s been my life for twenty-seven years. And-and I guess if there’s one _real_ confessional that I’m going to make tonight that’s what it’s gonna be. That I got conned into living a lie for twenty-seven years, and then almost chickened out of facing that.

[The silence is longer this time than the silences before it. Tozier is not looking out to the audience, or toward one of the few cameras about the room. The angle of the shot changes a few times, and every picture is the same: Tozier looking down, microphone in hand, quiet.]

RICHIE: Yeah… _I _think it’s a bit fucked up...

[Suddenly, Tozier is on his feet, practically bouncing with a renewed energy. He tosses the throw pillow off-stage, and the closing music of his act begins to crescendo through his final pronouncements.]

RICHIE: WOWZA! That was some serious shit, right you guys? 

[It takes a moment, but the audience has been shocked out of their silence and like a cresting wave they begin to applaud.]

RICHIE: Thank-you! No, fucking thank-you all for showing up, and really fucking thank-you for listening to that. I’m Richie Tozier _bona fide_ Grown Ass _Adult _ladies and gentlemen! Finally! 


End file.
